I have a vision,
That one day I will know what it means to be completely loved, secure and adored by God.

I have a vision,
That one day I will be able to grace and mercy without expecting anything back.

I have a vision,
That one day I will be used to do something great for God. That I will be an irreplaceable role of a shared adventure.

I have a vision,
That one day I will be able to move past the pain of my childhood with a renewed commitment to make good choices.

I have a vision,
That one day I will have the courage and perseverance to do the hard things. That I will have what it takes.

I have a vision,
That one day I will see past seeing ‘me’ and I’ll finally see you.

And it is to the tune of this empty void and brokenness I have been navigating all my relationships around.

Its surprising how our upbringing shapes us. Its amazing what we subconsciously learn as children about who we are or about other people, from those which we first learn to relate to: our parents. The absolute crazy thing was, I wasn’t even looking for this. I just knew something was not quite right within me and I wanted help. I wanted a quick fix, a band aid.. I just wanted God to quickly take the emptiness away and I got so much more than I bargained for.

As I peeled back the layers of me that was wounded God stepped right in. He began to show me that His hand was always working in my childhood, in my life and even this very moment. I knew God brought me back to Hong Kong because He wanted me to reconcile to family and with who I am. I’ve always had this strange sense that coming back to Hong Kong felt like walking into the mouth of the lion, I wasn’t quite sure what that meant, but I never thought God would bring me back to the very beginning. To the very start of where the wound began. For healing to happen, it had to start here: in the mouth of the lion.

But God has been faithful. Hes been walking out every step with me, Hes been showing me His love through people and through encounters with Him. He has moved me with His Word. I am moved by His care and love for me. I am moved that He is there on my pain.

I feel like a rehabilitation patient. Like I have just had major surgery I feel raw and weak, but everyday I am learning to walk again. I am learning to use and build muscles that have never moved before. I am learning new skills and coping in new ways. I am learning to be a more whole person.

And Gods love for me feels more real than ever before. I’m beginning to sense the intensity, the fierce passion and abundance of it. In a moment of pure truth my eyes are now opened to see and feel something deeper and something more authentic than what I have ever experienced. And it moves me to tears that He cares.

I’m realising more how Gods love really is the thing that, if we let it go deep into our core, it will change us.

I love this quote from C.S. Lewis’ ‘The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe’ where Lucy faces the nervous prospect of meeting Aslan for the first time.

“Is He… quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.”

“That you will, dearie, and no mistake,” said Mrs Beaver; “if there’s anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they’re either braver than most, or else just silly.”

“Then He isn’t safe,” said Lucy.

“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “ Who said anything about safe? ‘Course He isn’t safe. But He’s good. He’s the King.”

I remember the first time I came to Home Of Loving Faithfulness about a year and a half ago and how awkward I felt. Not really sure on what I would be able to do, they seemed to severely disabled and I was not sure how to interact with them. Like I felt like I wanted to care, but I just didn’t know how.

It’s also in places like this sometimes I can find it hard to understand why things like this happen to people. Sometimes these places open more questions for me in terms of faith than answers. But over the years I think I have come to a place where I am more at peace with the mystery of God, that somehow all of this all fits into a bigger story that is beyond my comprehension. And what God is doing in this world and in our lives, the good and the bad is ultimately working for a greater good that I can not understand or see.

That the residents, are here for a purpose and that God loves them so incredibly much, that God sees their value and uniqueness. That they deserve and need to be loved as much as you and I.

See, we are created for love. Your soul craves love and will find satisfaction in nothing less. God was the one who created us for love, to experience his love. In the same way the residents were created for love too.

I know a  friend who worked at Mothers Choice in the mid levels. It’s an orphanage that adopts out babies and helps unwed mothers. She told me that in an orphanage babies who don’t get held much and affection tend to be more sickly. She said the physical touch and care makes a huge difference in that babies overall well being. That this is what makes them feel loved.

And I thought how true it is for the residents here. They are like those small babies too, unable to speak or move, given up by their families and in need of care. They may not be able to say it or express it but to be loved is something that they need and what makes us all intrinsically human.

In Matthew 25:34-40 it says:
“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world.  For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home.  I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’

“Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’

“And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’

When we treat each other with value, when we care for each other, when we love, we experience the presence of God and we bring the presence of God into that place.

In a place like this we may not know exactly what we can do to help, we want to be able to do what we can.  When we are with them we want to show them that they are loved, valuable and that they are not forgotten. When we are with the residents to sing to them, engage with them, touch them and talk to them.

I want to engage with them in way that I look them in the eye as if they were the only person in the room and that they really matter. They deserve to be loved and cared for, and that to love is always the right thing to do no matter what the circumstances.

1 Corinthians 13:13 – And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

The heart unguarded is a dangerous place – it can be a war zone in there. With everything around us vying for our attention, to be caught in our hearts, the unguarded heart will lead you away from peace.

Sometimes my heart gets really weary. I get tired feeling like I am giving out, sometimes without any return. Sometimes I feel weary because I want to love but at times it just seems too hard. Too hard to overcome my own selfishness, to hard to reach out into perspective from my tunnel vision.

As I walk through this journey and the more I experience I realise how delicate the heart really is. How much we are effected by the things around us and in us; the people, the situations and circumstances. Before we know it something has rooted itself in there. Sometimes they are good things like hope, faith and love and other times its bitterness, unforgivingness or disillusionment. And its these things that if they get rooted in our hearts, will flow out of us.  They will either build up or tear down.

But even with that in mind, I hold on to hope in the good in which the human heart is capable. For in it resides a pure love and love motivates everything. I never want to lose hope in this.

I want to keep choosing to love. I want to keep reaching beyond myself.

I want love to win.

I have been exceedingly blessed. I am so taken back by the love and generosity of my friends and church family. Its more than I could of imagined. I have been so honored and I feel so honored to know them as well; honored to have them be a significant part of my life. I will miss them dearly.

I’ve been reflecting on my time here in Australia and at Sunset Coast and all I can think of is the word, grateful. I am so grateful. Grateful that I have been able to be a part of something so much bigger than myself. To have been able to serve God along side some of the most fantastic people. People who have taken time to know me, sow into me, grow and challenge me. I would not be who I am today without some of these people who encouraged me throughout the years and have never given up on me, even when I, myself, doubted. It’s been one crazy adventure together.

And I can see God through it all. He’s been there all through this journey with me from day one. I can see the pathways, the nooks and cranny’s He has led me through and I have come through on the other side of this city, different. Changed and immensely impacted. Not even being able to recognise myself anymore.

God has been so faithfully good to me. I have seen the outworking of his love and faithfulness ever so much more evident in my life in the last 9 months. Its been an emotional journey, many nights praying, seeking wise council, hoping and believing. And despite the odds God pulled through for me in the only way that God knows how, through the unexpected. I have kept believing, being expectant, walking through the doors that have opened before me… and He has made my way straight. He has sold my car, blessed me through others and enabled me to pay off all my debt with money to spare. For the first time in 8 years, I am debt free. I am walking into my new life, released.

As I packed the last of my belongings tonight, it hit me. I am leaving everything I’ve ever known and loved to pursue what I believe to be where God wants me to be. To do what I believe is right. There is a sense of expectancy in the air. There is a sense of destiny.

I am going there with my heart, my eyes and my hands wide open.

I have no idea what the future will hold once I board that plane, but I do know that as I hold tightly to His hand, everything will be O.K.

My heart feels like its going to burst, I am in absolute awe.

Its often upon reflection of things gone by, do we sometimes realise how far we have really come and of those who have helped us get there. The past 4.5 years at Sunset Coast CLC have been such a God adventure of growth and discovery for me. To have spent that journey growing with you has impacted, changed and shaped me in so many ways. It has equipped and enabled me to become the person I am today.

I have never been a great person at organising things, especially something for myself.. such as a farewell/birthday party. So thank you Carrie so much for all your hardwork, organisational skills and thoughtfulness in making my farewell party tonight a beautiful memory that will always be something so special in my heart.

And thank you all of you who had come out (on a Monday night!) to spend it with me and send me off so blessed. Your kindness love and friendship has truly blown me away. I am at loss for words. To know you all care so much means the world to me.

I know I have already said this tonight to all of you, but the more I thought about it on the way home in the car the more I have to thank God so much for His goodness. You have played such a significant part in my life and I really cherish those moments we have spent together in conversation, in serving and pursuing God together.

You have brought so much healing into my life and have taught and role modelled to me what a healthy Godly family and friendship is and should look like. Thank you all of you who have lovingly taken me into your lives, homes and hearts. Thank you all of you who have shown me the outworking of Psalm 68:6 ( “God sets the lonely in families...”) for I have been one of those ‘lonely’ and you opened your hearts to me and through that shown me God’s love.

It is through you, that I have learnt God’s heart for family. That it is His idea, His heart and His design. And in being a part of the family with you all at Sunset Coast it has enabled me to see the importance of reconciliation with my own natural family. It has been a journey, and we have had our ups and downs together, in season and out of season… but it has been well worth it. I would not have chosen to do this life with anyone else but you. Thank you for believing in me, supporting me, coming along side and encouraging me to be all that I can be. You have shown what real authentic community looks like.

I am excited to see what God has in store for you. Whatever it is I am sure it is great! And I am glad I have been able to know you and been a part of your journey in these days. I am excited to see where life will take us!

Tonight was such a special night, thank you for being there to share it with me and be a part of this memory. Thank you for all your special messages and gifts! I have been absolutely been blessed and spoilt! I love you all dearly and you all have a special place in my heart.

Philippians 1:3 says “I thank my God every time I remember you.”

And I truly do.

I have been spending the past few days praying for and writing thank you notes to my students. I wanted to say thank you for all I have learnt from knowing them and for the privilege of them letting me into their worlds. I feel have grown as a person because of them, that somehow our interactions together have shaped me to some extent. I wanted to thank them because though I might of taught them but I feel somehow I may have parted with the better end of the deal.

So with these thank you notes I wanted to give them something that would enable them to see themselves the way I see them: great, gifted, beautiful people full of so much potential; more than I think they even realise. I wanted to speak their futures into life.

I felt so blessed today. My year 11′s threw a surprise party for me in class, but the finality of it being the last day only really hit me when 3 of the girls gave me the most awesome gift I have ever received: a video they produced wishing me farewell! Watching it almost made me cry, it was so beautifully thoughtful!

I don’t know how I should be feeling right now, except bittersweet. It feels so sad to leave, I am missing it already. I just wanted to share with you some of the other tokens of appreciation I received today that warmed my heart…

From the year 10′s: I’m glad they forgave me for all the infringements I gave them!

This one just made me laugh.. had to include it, it says ‘Emo for Miss Tsang’. Haha!

From the year 11′s: I loved the private study periods that seemed more like crowd control than anything else!

But it was nice just hearing him talk, giving me advice on moving and trying to sound excited but not too overly enthusiastic, like a typical awkward father.

I know my dad loves and cares about me alot. He tries to show it the best way he knows how. I have come to realise and appreciate that. Its funny how we grow up and mature, we start to see things differently.

We stop seeing things with our childish immature eyes and start to see the bigger perspective. It makes me feel terrible about being the unruly teenager I was. I think I am alot more forgiving than I used to be.

I miss dad. I miss having him around.

Authenticity in my relationships, in my conversations and actions. To be in a place where I am operating out of the want to’s and not the have to’s. I’m sure when I am operating out of duty, habit or pleasing man, God sort of just looks at me and shakes his head sadly like, “Anna, what are you doing?”. Every now and then I think its beneficial to question why we are doing what we are doing. I want to be motivated from my heart; and if its not coming from that place then I need to pause and question why.

When I went visit to one of the schools in Hong Kong I was talking to one of the teachers; and he told me how at the beginning of each class he would actually stand at the door and greet each one of his students as they walked in. He would hold their hand and look into their eyes and ask them how they were. Eye contact, touch, “how are you?”. He would completely engage. I thought that was quite beautiful.

I want to grow more like Jesus. I want to look you in the eye, touch your hand and ask “How are you?” with genuine sincerity.

The loud music playing in the background becomes an echoey dull thud in the distance.

Then everything stands still and becomes silent.

(fade to black.)

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And for a moment you don’t know if you are dreaming or if you are still awake.

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I wonder if this what it feels like to be totally alone. To feel totally disconnected. From everyone and everything.

I wonder if Jesus ever felt like this. I wonder as He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane when all this disciples lay sleeping only a stones throw away, how alone He must of felt. Oblivious to them the turmoil Jesus was feeling as He knew what lay ahead. That one close to Him would betray Him and that in turn would lead Him to His Destiny. It would lead Him to the sacrifice He made for all mankind.

Jesus was alone in the garden.

I find solace in knowing this.

I find solace in knowing that Jesus has been there, He has felt this, He was let down by those He loved. And yet He overcame. He knows what its like to ache to the very depths of His bones to the extent that blood perspired from His temples.

Sometimes I think we need those places. Those alone places. Those places where stripped back to nothingness, with no people, no things or places to be to occupy our mind, to have nothing but only space to reckon with God. Its these places where I wonder if I feel more human.

I had to grapple with this concept for a couple days. The aloneness. This feeling of disconnection. I had to tussle with these thoughts and feelings of “What is wrong with me?” till I came to the realisation that there is nothing wrong with me.

So I left the crowd and the noise, and walked myself out into the dark dim lamp lit street.

Theres something about Perth city in the still of the night. Maybe its a combination of the tall skyscrapers reflecting shades of neon lights and the still quiet of the street. No hustle and bustle. Just a quiet humming of streetlights casting its yellow hues.

So I drove. The refrains of “wherever you go I will follow you… ” by Everything But The Girl playing on the stereo. I wasn’t sure where I was going but I wanted to see the city. Speckles of people laughing as they littered out of restaurants onto street corners. I drove to all my favorite places. I drove past The Moon Cafe peering inside the front windows. Undecided if I should go inside alone, I kept driving.

As I drove down the freeway homeward bound, I thought about how I was feeling. The disconnection.

And I thought about how proberly more than anything it really just highlighted how much I truely am made in His image. That I was created to feel connection. And without this connection I was created for, I felt empty. I wonder if Jesus felt the same way as He knelt praying, sweating blood as those close to Him were asleep and oblivious.

Its a deep dry dull ache.

But this dull ache indicates a God created DNA. My genetic makeup for connection. It reminds me I was created to be connected to Him.