There is a greatness in you.

Courage. Desire. Integrity.

Virtue. Compassion.

Dignity. Loyalty. Love.

Its in there –

somewhere.

And sometimes

it takes suffering

to get at it.

Its in there.

~ Rob Bell, Drops like Stars.

To say that life is hard right now, I think, would be an understatement.

I find myself wanting to write about whats been churning within me but my thoughts are unclear. Confused in my head. Muddled. They are mixtures of emotion and chastising reason. Unsure and often unkind. But I guess this is a start.

Sometimes I find it hard to speak.

Sometimes I wonder if I tried to explain, if you would even understand.

Instead, I have been finding solace in the reflective words of Henri Nouwen, in the encouragement of Jimmy, and in the loving embrace of James as we sit in parks and look out into the harbor.

God is doing something. And its deeper than ever before.

Here I stand
With a hope that grace instills in me
I surrender everything I am to You

Live in me
Let my life reflect You constantly
As I open up my heart
As I offer up my soul
I lay my dreams in Your hands

This is what I know
That You are God of all
And I will trust you always, always

Never walk alone
Resting in the hope
That You will hold me always, always

I open up my heart
Offer up my soul

I have a vision,
That one day I will be able to extend beyond myself, that I will one day be able to love and give of myself without fear.

I have a vision,
That one day I will know what it means to be completely loved, secure and adored by God.

I have a vision,
That one day I will be able to grace and mercy without expecting anything back.

I have a vision,
That one day I will be used to do something great for God. That I will be an irreplaceable role of a shared adventure.

I have a vision,
That one day I will be able to move past the pain of my childhood with a renewed commitment to make good choices.

I have a vision,
That one day I will have the courage and perseverance to do the hard things. That I will have what it takes.

I have a vision,
That one day I will see past seeing ‘me’ and I’ll finally see you.

Dear Jesus, I love you. I need you.

In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

After 3 months of counseling I have realised so much about the ways in which my childhood has taught me to fear and hide. What was once thought to be a strength, a ‘get it done’ attitude and independence was actually harboring a nature of self protection for a little girl who never knew what it meant to be loved, to trust and to feel security from the places that she should of learnt this first, from the nurture of mother. This little girl learnt fast there was no comfort or hope of comfort to be offered and she had to learn to survive the world on her own, get up on her own feet and if she didn’t it would swallow her up.

And it is to the tune of this empty void and brokenness I have been navigating all my relationships around.

Its surprising how our upbringing shapes us. Its amazing what we subconsciously learn as children about who we are or about other people, from those which we first learn to relate to: our parents. The absolute crazy thing was, I wasn’t even looking for this. I just knew something was not quite right within me and I wanted help. I wanted a quick fix, a band aid.. I just wanted God to quickly take the emptiness away and I got so much more than I bargained for.

As I peeled back the layers of me that was wounded God stepped right in. He began to show me that His hand was always working in my childhood, in my life and even this very moment. I knew God brought me back to Hong Kong because He wanted me to reconcile to family and with who I am. I’ve always had this strange sense that coming back to Hong Kong felt like walking into the mouth of the lion, I wasn’t quite sure what that meant, but I never thought God would bring me back to the very beginning. To the very start of where the wound began. For healing to happen, it had to start here: in the mouth of the lion.

But God has been faithful. Hes been walking out every step with me, Hes been showing me His love through people and through encounters with Him. He has moved me with His Word. I am moved by His care and love for me. I am moved that He is there on my pain.

I feel like a rehabilitation patient. Like I have just had major surgery I feel raw and weak, but everyday I am learning to walk again. I am learning to use and build muscles that have never moved before. I am learning new skills and coping in new ways. I am learning to be a more whole person.

And Gods love for me feels more real than ever before. I’m beginning to sense the intensity, the fierce passion and abundance of it. In a moment of pure truth my eyes are now opened to see and feel something deeper and something more authentic than what I have ever experienced. And it moves me to tears that He cares.

I’m realising more how Gods love really is the thing that, if we let it go deep into our core, it will change us.

I love this quote from C.S. Lewis’ ‘The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe’ where Lucy faces the nervous prospect of meeting Aslan for the first time.

“Is He… quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.”

“That you will, dearie, and no mistake,” said Mrs Beaver; “if there’s anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they’re either braver than most, or else just silly.”

“Then He isn’t safe,” said Lucy.

“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “ Who said anything about safe? ‘Course He isn’t safe. But He’s good. He’s the King.”